Brandon Flowers amuses me. I don't know shit about who he is or where the hell he came from, but I'm pretty sure no amount of childhood trauma can justify the outfit he wears during the entire length of the "Spaceman" video:






I don't even know.

I feel like I'm sixteen. In a bad way.

I'm not happy myself. I'm twenty-three years old, a college graduate, and what am I doing? Living with my parents, working a shitty retail job, not writing, not trying, not anything. There are vague aspirations somewhere within my mind, but they're clouded with the constant intake of shitty food, Gilmore Girls, too much sleep, and the general uncertainty of my boyfriend's situation. I can't pull myself out of this fucking rut, and it's ridiculous. When did I let this happen?

It's not like I can't do it. It's just a lot of work, and I'm just still not sure where I want to go with my life. I know what I want to do, but I can't define it, and furthermore, I can't seem to find any job description of what I have in my head, so I have to scour the job descriptions that are out there and make a checklist to see if it's for me. Meanwhile, the job market is tightening and tightening, I'm getting more and more nervous, and all I can do is sit back and hope that something comes along.

While I want to say, at the top of my lungs, that "this is not me," a part of me disagrees. I am lazy. I remember always wanting to be doing something next to nothing over any other kind of activity. I've taken easy ways out my whole life, and I hate that about myself. But here's the rub -- very few people have noticed. My family and close friends expect great things out of me, and that's what worries me -- they see this amazing person in me that I haven't even stumbled across. I know that I'm smart and I know that I could be successful in just about anything. But I'm not about to jump out of the backseat and take the wheel.

Ugh.

What have I done that's semi-productive? 

READING.
Well, I've become deeply entrenched in a Mark Twain obsession. In 17 years of education, I'd never had to read a Mark Twain novel. I had never read anything by Mark Twain, in fact, until my senior year in college. We read his critique of James Fenimore Cooper's (lack of) skill, "Cannibalism in Cars" (very interesting satire regarding how our politics really run) and "The War Prayer," which has completely changed and then defined the way that I look at war.

So, I went to the library, got a library card, and checked out a book of short stories and his autobiography. My mom also got me a beautiful volume of collected works that I'm dying to begin after I finish the biography. I find him to be incredibly entertaining and inspiring -- I hope that I can one day relate to him.

WRITING.
Have gotten more ideas out on paper. Will reveal at a later date.

APPLYING.
I've applied for a job at a small newspaper in town. The job? Reporter. Do I think I have a shot? Maybe. Do I want it? More than I can possibly define, but to be honest, the thought of actually getting a call back terrifies the bejesus out of me, mainly because I alwyas thought I wanted to be a journalist, but put it in the back of my mind because I thought it was a field that I wouldn't be cut out for -- the pressure to be a good writer, to actually sit down and write, the pressure to do better and better stories. But, I think after dealing with some reporters during the campaign, that might be a bit exaggerated. Anway, I'm hoping to get a call back nonetheless. If not, I've also been looking into opening at radio and television stations, as well as other papers and local magazines. 

Maybe, just maybe, I can make this writing thing work for me.





Oh, and I've been looking in Portland. That's where we're at.

so im updating with my new phone. nate and i finally took thw plunge and got our own cell phone plan, so after four point five years, we can finally talkwithout using our minutes up. i know, big step, hold the applause.

christmas was every bit as amazing as i remember it as being, so that was super positive and happy.

now im just sitting in the parking lot at the clackamas mall, thankful to have found a pretty decent spot near macys in under fifteen minutes.

by the way, my feeling is that nate and i will end up in portland rather than tacoma. a lot has happened, or not happened recentlythis is good news i think.

but i love christmas. like love love super in love passionate between the sheets kind of love christmas. ok not the sexy kind of love, maybe the pure, unadulterated, innocent kind of love. like a childlike sort of love. like a fat kid loves cake kind of love.

so anyway, the season is getting to me. our tree is up, rocky road candy has been made, we made chex mix today, and oh! i have a job. i've already bought presents for nate, mom, betsy, and dad, but there are still some left. i love buying presents. i love making presents. i just love the spirit of giving.

i'm being goofy. anyway, i scored a seasonal job ay macy's. which isn't as bad as it could be. i mean, i applied at wal-mart. i was sort of desperate. anyway. it works out because i should be there through mid-january, about the time frame that nate and i were looking to move back up to seattle/tacoma.

and nate is down here for a few months. that is super nice because that means he will be around for the holidays. sweeeeeet.

anyway, i have laundry to fold and a boyfriend to go hang out with. saweet.

I haven't updated since election day. That is insane, since kind of a lot has happened. I've been a recluse though, since  I got back from Mexico.

ELECTION.

We won. Barely, and the barely kept us busy straight on through till the day before I left for Mexico. Election night was nerve racking, as we were behind by around 150 votes. To be honest, it was the best news of the night for the party full of hardcore Repubs -- to me, it was the worst. I knew Obama would win, I knew that the Dems would make significant leads in the House and Senate. But I didn't expect Don to lose. A very effective legislator who was very popular when we went doorbelling, sign waving, etc -- in all that voter interaction, we got very few negative remarks. We weren't supposed to be behind.

But it was the Obama fever. The sheeple who were hypnotized by empty rhetoric just voted "D" for "change" all down the line (in reality, changing only the president. That's not real change, not not when Washington is already controlled by Dems all the way down, and Washington DC is a majority in both houses.)

So the day after election day, which we were supposed to have off (we'd been working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for about three weeks), I got a call from Don saying that we might have to start preparing for a potential recount. So I met with Daniel, Jaqueline, and Stephen, along with someone from the Republican caucus, and got a tour of the elections office. The process one ballot has to go through in order to get counted is absolutely ludicrous, let me tell you. There are at least 5 steps that a single, perfect ballot goes through.

We got a list of people who had forgotten to sign their ballots, Jacqueline called through them while Daniel and Stephen went to collect signs. Around 5, new numbers we up, indicating that we were up by 1100 votes -- moving in the right direction. Apparently, Republicans tend to turn their ballots in late, a lot of people I talked to said they were waiting to turn it in until election day to ensure that it didn't get stolen from their mailbox. Whatever. As long as a lot of them were in. In the end, we won the election with 51.08%.

Whew. All the hard work paid off.

For the rest of the week, we took down signs, and then Nate came into town on Friday, and then Sunday, we left for Cancun!

MEXICO.

...was fricking amazing. We had a fantastic time. The actual travel part wasn't so fun, but it was bearable with such a nice travel companion.

Our hotel was surprisingly nice. It was all inclusive, so we had some food and drank some strawberry margaritas as soon as we were settled in. The next day, we laid in the sun all day, enjoyed the pool and the ocean, and really appreciated the swim up bar, where we met friends. We met our friends for dinner, then drank with them all night, along with some others.

Then a lot more laying in sun, going to town and souvenier shopping, getting TAN. We went to Chichen Itza, went parasailing, enjoyed each other, got massages, and just had a lot of time to relax.

But alas...we had to leave....

UNEMPLOYMENT.

I have one interview next week. My plan right now is to find some seasonal work, then move up to Tacoma in January. Easy enough.

Basically I've been watching a lot of The Office, sleeping a lot, and avoiding people. Yeah.

OK I just got tired of updating.

I'm sitting in my office, which is littered with phone call lists and cold, half-empty cups of coffee. I've really come a long way from where this was in the beginning.

I've learned so much about myself and about people, and it's been both enlightening and disheartening at the same time -- but I've come out of it a better person, I think.

It's not even about politics.





Now my ballot is one of almost 70% that have been turned in, and while we're all hopeful, we're anxious as hell to see is our hard work has paid off.

I just wish one of these coffee cups had some steaming hot coffee in the,

So, like, I'm, um drowning.

Yeah. That's about right.

This past week has been absolutely crazy. But I am taking 15 minutes to update about it because it's what I do.

Last Sunday we got an e-mail from Don stating that we'd be going into "full-time" mode from here on out. "Full-time" mode translates to 7 days a week, 8-10 hours per day. So there's that. I negotiated for a raise, which was nice, and that same day got a call from Sleep country USA -- I'd turned in my first real job application the night before, and they wanted me to comin for an interview. Basically, the job was for a media buyer, meaning I would help with buying advertising space on various forms of...well, media.

Neat. So all day was trying to figure logistics with that, since the interview was in Kent, and I'd just gotten a raise for agreeing to work ALL THE TIME. This of course, in addition to my insane campaign duties.

Thursday came. I worked all day, and then drove to Tacoma to spend an evening with Nate before not sleeping a wink and going to my interview at 9:30 AM in Kent. It was pretty well, and as soon as it was over I had to run back to Nate's, get my stuff, and drive back down to Vancouver to help with a doorbell blitz with the soccer team. I found out that I didn't get the job (which I was actually kind of glad to hear) and went to Buirgerville with Daniel and Stephen. After that was over, I went to my house to take a 15 minute nap before heading over to Sara's for a girl's night at a restaurant in downtown P-town. Had a few martinis, and then Sara and I got pulled over TWICE on the way back to her house, where I crashed with the dog in the spare bedroom -- as soon as the alcohol wore off, of course, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep for the life of me. Then I got up and went to meet Daniel and Stephen for work...I think we doorbelled, I don't even remember anymore. Worked for several hours and then went home at 4-5ish and lay down in my PJs and didn't move until I went upstairs to go to bed.

Those were the three days that melded into one.

The next day of course, I had another doorbell blitz. And I've been working since. Yesterday we worked 14 hours, and then I had to drive to West Linn to get some stuff I'd left at Sara's.

Today all I'm looking forward to is the Project Runway finale. Man I hope Leanne wins. That would make my life.

Oh, and laundry. I'm really really excited to do my laundry.

... 25 days until Mexico. Oh, my love.

the reason that i tend to update less finally dawned on me last night, through a combination of watching scrubs and talking to betsy.

Work has been weird the past few weeks because we haven't had any doorbellers, meaning we haven't been able to doorbell. It's been good and bad. I don't know.

Nate was here for a few days since he won't be able to come down for my birthday on Saturday. He got me a nifty Nintendo DS (!!!!) along with Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, so that's been freaking awesome. He also beat the boss on the Shadow temple in Ocarina of Time for me. Normally I wouldn't ask him to, but I've been stuck on the bastard for about a month and a half. So I was about to give up on the game. But now I can go about my merry way and finish it.

I am ridiculously excited for the new Snow Patrol album coming out later this month. "Take Back the City" is absolutely infectious and reminds me of their earlier stuff. Yaaaay. Hopefully no shit like "Chasing Cars" will be on there. That would make me sad.

The birthday this year will likely be kind of quiet since...I don't know, since there isn't really anything going on. I'm going to hang out with my cousin I think tomorrow night, and then Bekka and Betsy on Saturday...no firm plans just yet. I hate when Nate's not around for these kinds of things.

But my mom got me that CD player I wanted. I am very excited to have a place to actually listen to music again. That doesn't include scratchy laptop speakers. And I can start buying CDs again! Whee!

I need to be in Tacoma. I just had a feeling wash over me the other night at TGI Fridays that ensured that I need a change. It was happy hour, and there were a lot of people in the bar. Nate went to the bathroom and I'd a had a couple drinks. I looked around and saw face after face...they all seemed tired, old -- but in a way that more resembles mental exhaustion rather than age. Then there was a woman at the end of it who seemed familiar and fresh -- and she looked just like one of the girls I know in Tacoma. That was when the feeling washed over me: I'm ready. Vancouver has always been my home, but it's time for a change -- it's too small - I'm always seeing people I recognize, seeing them with other people I know from other places. It's weird.

it's like I've known for awhile that I would move after everything was done here -- but I never really accepted it, knew it in my heart. I never realized I'd have to get to know a whole new city, learn to drive there, the good places to eat, to drink, to hang out, to shop...but I will. And I'm excited.

Maybe I should work now?

 I've been sick the past week with strep throat. How the eff I got frickin strep throat, I don't know, but it's kind of been a blessing in disguise. While I've been absolutely miserable and the whole swallowing, eating, talking thing was absolutely excruciating, it gave me a break from work. I did a few things here and there, but I was mainly just hanging around, watching too much tv, and starving to death. I also got to do a lot of hopeful thinking, you know, the thinking about the good things coming up in life.

Being away from Nate is getting harder and harder. I think it's because I can see the finish line, the line that makes us a couple rather than a long distance couple. On top of that, things have been so good between us but bad with our outside lives that it's hard to not be able to hold each other when we need it. Plus, being sick with no one around was absolutely terrible. I was really  sick -- I had a really, really high fever, those aches and pains, plus one night of throwing up on top of the strep infested throat. And I had no one to take care of me, except for Betsy, who came over and hung out with me and made me soup before I found out it was strep. Being sick without anyone around is really, really crappy.

But, with that positive stuff -- we're going to Mexico in less than two months. THAT is freakin awesome, it'll be a week of fantastic alone time and time to relax. Free drinks, and food, and beach, and lovin...

Most of all, it marks the transition from ldr to real relationship. And the end of this job!

Things are better with it. The time off really gave me time to reflect on it -- it's damn good experience and even though I'm not a politics type of person, it doesn't mean that I can't help a good family friend get re-elected. I've turned off the switch that gets offended when people yell at me, even though I did get really upset with a man who was a complete douche to me. He hit me over the head with a doorbeller, too, and when I asked him not to, he did it again. More like a lack of respect thing than anything else.

I'm just tired of putting weight on things one way or another. I'm not going to stress about things that I can't control and am going to focus on things that I can control. I can control my new job, where I find employment then. I can control how well I do with this job. I can't control the way other people interpret my involvement in the campaign, nor can I control the over arching and underlying political problems in the state and the country. I can fill out my ballot, but I can't fix things. That's a good feeling to have -- take care of me and mine, not worry about everything else. Selfish? Probably. But if everyone would focus on themselves that way, maybe things would be better.

My parents are back from Italy. My mom bought me a purse but I haven't seen it yet :(

*Ding dong*
Lady inside: Who iiiis it?
Me: I just have some voting information here for you on behalf of your state senator.
Her: Oh.
*Door opens*
Me: Thank you! I'm just going door to door today on behalf of Senator Don Benton. He's been representing us in Olympia for fourteen years and has still never voted to raise taxes--
Her: Oh, no, oh, no, my tax go up, up, up.
Me: Well, he's not the only legislator who votes --
Her: You know who I should call? My tax so high I have to dip into line of credit -- to pay tax!
Me: Well, I don't know exactly who you could call, but if you want to as the Senator, his number is on the back of that card there -- He returns every --
Her: You don't know?
Me: Well, I'm only a volunteer --
Her: So you no get paid?
Me: Uh, no Ma'am.
*pause*
Her: Do you know dee Lord?
Me: Umm...yes?
Her: Dee Lord need good volunteers like you!
Me (backing away slowly): Oh, thank you, hahaha...


***

*Ding Dong*
Older woman opens the door.
Me: Hi there! I'm Jami, and I just going door to door on behalf of Senator Don Benton. He's been serving us for fourteen years and has still never voted for any kind of tax --
(Woman is looking at the doorbeller and smiling, silently laughing)
Me:..Are...are you familiar with Senator Benton?
(she nods)
Me: Oh, well then you know that he's also fighting to keep your property taxes low...
Woman STEPS OUTSIDE HER HOUSE, laughing, and hits me over the head with the Benton doorbeller, shaking her head.
She goes back inside.
Me: Thank you? Have a nice evening?







If only I could tell you half the weird shit that I run into. This is just from today and yesterday. Weird ass people.

I'm reading Anna Karenina and missing school way too much entirely.

I don't care what you say. There is nothing better than sitting in a comfortable chair...
...drinking a perfect cup of coffee (1.5 raw sugars and 1 packet of honey with nonfat milk...
...listening to debbie harry in atomic: the very best of blondie...
...while having a great hair day...
...that makes me resemble debbie harry if you squint real hard...
...while imagining my stellar future and...
waking up slowly.



It almost makes me forget that I'm at work.
With a few humongous zits on my chin.
Sore and exhausted from something.
With an aching foot.
and feeling just a little bit lonely.

The boys are beginning a two-week stint in the studio this week. Things are happening, and that makes me happy.

It smells like Lucky Charms marshmallows in my house.

I need a CD player. I need to start buying physical CDs. Listening to music on the broken speakers of my laptop makes me crave the sound filling a space. Now that the CD player on my car has died, I've been at a loss with music. Listening from the tiny little speakers is not satisfying; my love for music blooms when i'm immersed in sound, not when i hear it coming out of rinky dink laptop speakers.

Digital music leaves a disconnect between the physical manifestation of the music and the sound waves -- inevitably, while the sound is most important, the CD sleeve that you take out and lay in fron t of you on the bed or floor as the CD plays is an important part of the experience.

I was browsing the Target Red Room section to see if there was anything I haven't yet heard of. To my surprise, I've heard hardly any of it before. It was depressing. On the ride home, I realized that even the new stuff I've downloaded has only been because of the singles on 94/7 -- I know very little of the rest of the album.

I get to know the music immersed in it, not simply hearing it. There's a huge difference. That settles it. I'm getting a CD player, and i'm buying some fucking CDs. I'm pathetic.

Oh and the rest of life? Good.

The number one reason I hate being in politics is this. I received this e-mail from one of the campaign's volunteers. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like Barack Obama, but largely because I don't agree with so many of his policies, and he's the closest to socialism that we can get apart from Hilary. They're legitimate reasons.

In fact I'm so apathetic about the presidential race that I think I'm just going to leave that spot on my ballot blank.

But I hate hate hate close-minded ignorance.

Well. It's been several weeks. Not much has happened.

WORK.
I've gotten more press releases into the paper. I've been doorbelling like a crazy person. I reply to a lot of e-mails. I get frustrated with ignorance and close-mindedness. I grate my teeth. I'll never go into politics, but I really like the public relations thing. Subtract the politico thing and you've got yourself a career. Well, only me being more in charge, obviously.

PERSONAL.
I saw Nate for a total of about six hours at the Mt. Tabor Theatre on Thursday. I'd considered not going, we've been weird lately and knowing I would only see him for a little bit, with him running around worrying about getting things in order would just be frustrating more than anything. Luckily I went and voiced my concern early on. It made the difference. He was attentive and sweet and even affectionate.

Sarah Foster officially left the PNW for an extended period of time -- she'll be spending two years in Illinois for the Air Force. It's weird -- she's one of my oldest friends, and she's always been in arm's reach. Not anymore. I should have taken advantage of it while it was available. But she had one last party where I got too drunk, everyone played kings, and then her, Katy, Clifton and I passed out on a hammock. It broke, of course, but we all slept there comfortably until dawn.

The next day, Sara, Matt and I attempted to go hang out at Sauvie's. We got there, to the nudie part, unfortunately. But that didn't matter since we weren't even able to put our towels down before the moquitos ATTACKED. Seriously. I had over forty bites. It was painful, and shitty. But, Sara and Matt got a new puppy, a black lab named Kona. She is my new love.

Betsy is at camp, and I missed her on her one free day. Now I won't see her until she's back. It's weird. I don't like it.

OTHER.
I've been buying things for myself. It makes me feel guilty. But most of it was needed. And almost all of it -- no, all of it was on sale. It's just weird because I've grown accustomed to not really buying any clothes or anything like that for myself, since I was so broke this past year. It's a good habit to keep, since I'm not making much at this job.

I've been missing old old friends, but am kind of glad I don't have access to their phone numbers.

Schuyler challenged me to write a short story by the fourth of July. I have the entire thing plotted out in my head, but just can't write it. It'll be a good story, I'm sure of it, but I'm afraid to write it. It's been too long since I wrote. But it'll be even scarier if I wait any longer. I just need to shut the fuck up and do it. It's not that scary.

For the Fourth, I went to my aunt's. All my family was there, and it was good fun. As soon as I got there, my aunt said to me, "You look different. You look confident, and you're carrying yourself with a lot mor confidence that I've ever seen you with." It was a very high compliment, and I responded that I honestly think it's been this job. I know I'm doing a good job. I know I'm growing up. I know what path I'm on and I like it. I feel like I'm in control, not like I'm waiting to get through everything so that I can figure it out. I'm pretty intuitive, I am focused when I'm at work, and I'm more detail-oriented that I have been in any other facet of my life. It feels good to be a grown up.

Nate and I are getting an apartment somewhere between Tacoma and Seattle after this job is over and Mexico is paid for. Finally. Everything is happening.

Now if only my big ass butt would cooperate with this new me and shrink. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Why is it always two steps forward and one step back for us?

At least there's no rush.

My grandpa is having brain surgery tomorrow to relieve the bleeding on his brain. I'm trying not to be scared. I'm 23 and still haven't been to a funeral. Everyone I love is still with me.

Things I've learned about myself recently.

• I love wine.
  
• I like politics, but
• I hate arguing about politics.
• Especially when I've been drinking wine.

That's all.

Today, while trying on several bridesmaid's dresses, even though I knew which one I would end up with, I turned toward the dressing room and my face found a surprise...the very heavy, mirrored door. My nose found it, to be more specific. So now there's a huge welt and constant headache. Rad.

In addition to this, I had rolled mt ankle last weekend when I was jumping up and down. It has been a little sore, but today hurt very badly and was sticking out at least half an inch farther than the left ankle. Rad. It's probably due to the fact that I've walked something like 20-25 miles on it since I hurt it, and haven't iced it at all since the night I hurt it.

I am falling apart.   :(